I will offer you advice that I can’t always take. I will tell you what I’ve learned along my journey of life and tell you things I try to apply in my life as much as I can, but I can’t always be optimistic. I can’t always be at my very best. I’m human. I don’t want to ever be the type of person to stand behind all of my problems and hide behind a fake smile and false pretenses. Anyone who says they have it together and are happy 100% of the time has to either be delusional, on some type of super-drug that hasn’t been released to the public yet, or they are lying. Lying to you. Lying to themselves. We are human. We have hormones, emotions, societal pressures, social norms, and life to deal with– there’s NO WAY anyone is balancing all of those perfectly all of the time.

I sat in front of my mirror on my birthday and looked at myself. I looked into the same eyes that have looked back at me for 28 years. I saw deep sadness, but hope. I saw a spirit that has been beaten down so many times before, but a spirit that always gets back up with vigilance every time. I saw resilience in those eyes. This feat of losing my limb has definitely topped the charts as the hardest experience I’ve ever overcome, but I had practice many times before. Hurt, pain, disappointment, loss, and loneliness are all things that have bogged me down numerous times in my lifetime. I’ve carried them like an extremely heavy back-pack filled with Amazon and Target trinkets I don’t actually need.

In some ways, I’ve fallen into the “highlight reel” on social media, but I don’t want to share only the good parts. I don’t necessarily want to be “inspirational”, I want to be honest. I want to remind everyone that it’s OKAY to be any hue of blue sometimes. It’s human to be in the dark at times, and none of us are alone in that. I am mostly optimistic, but the journey of losing a limb isn’t easy. The journey of LIFE itself isn’t easy. I have extremely low lows that hit me like a bag of bricks. Questioning God, or whatever universal force exists, and asking “why me?” Sitting in my wheelchair and wishing I could just get up and walk to my fridge to get a snack easily. Wishing I could get up and go for a walk outside, feel my legs moving beneath me, and allow the fresh air to inflate my lungs with every breath. It can be soul crushing and lonely and depressing and ugly at times.

I looked down at the oddly-shaped stump that sat where my leg once was. My mind racing with so many “what ifs?” and “why me’s?” I put bandaids on the spots of my wound that re-opened after I finally managed to walk with a prosthetic. One step forward, two steps back into the wheelchair in excruciating pain. I then looked back up into those eyes of mine. I decided it’s okay that I feel sad and have days where I’m down in the dumps. It’s OKAY to be sad sometimes. I reminded myself that I CAN CHOOSE HOW I FEEL. I can feel however I need to feel, and if I so choose, I can let those feelings go. I can be a martyr about what happened and sit around wallowing in self pity, or I can grab my laptop and some mint chocolate-chip ice cream, start writing these words to you, and choose to feel okay. I choose to feel whatever emotion I need to feel, then I do my best to let those feelings drift away like wispy clouds on a summer’s day.

THE TAKEAWAY: We are human and are allowed to feel down sometimes. You are not alone if you are having a really hard time in life- everyone around you is experiencing or has experienced some form of pain. Allow yourself to feel everything–( I recommend writing it down or talking to a trusted loved one)–, acknowledge those feelings, then let them go. Choose to be happy. Choose to be a fighter. Choose to be a warrior. YOU GOT THIS.

The crazy thing about ignoring negative emotions is that if you do, they will consume you. The crazy thing about ignoring negative emotions is that it is inhuman. FEEL IT, THEN DO YOUR DAMN BEST TO LET IT GO!

*** These pictures were taken the day after I wrote this blogpost. I got myself outside and enjoyed some fresh air. ***